50 Shades…of just wrong


After MONTHS of media harassment and hype, Fifty Shades of Grey finally debuted on the 13th of February.
Before I go ahead let me say this, I love romance stories. I really do. Like a lot of guys, “The Notebook” is my guilty pleasure;


I still watch “Pretty Woman” every once in a while


and “Dear John” too touched me in very sensitive parts in my chest.


So  yes, I’m very partial to romance movies. In fact I prefer watching them to reading them, no matter how much of a bestseller the book is.

Having said that, “Fifty Shades” had me intrigued, though not for the reasons you may be thinking. When the hype first started about the book, I looked for a synopsis online because I was determined not to make the same mistake I made when I went and read Twilight.

What I saw didn’t impress me. A whole book about BDSM and Sadomasochistic sex? Really? That’s all? The things people call romance these days are frightening. And the novel is a bestseller. In fact for a movie on a $40m budget, between 13th February when the film was released and 15th February when this piece was written the film had already raked in $30m. Tells you a lot doesn’t it? And based on the statistics 80%-90% of the viewers were women. And you call us men freaks.
As for the film itself, critically it’s been panned (that’s film talk for saying critics have bashed it). I know you’ll say critics don’t matter and most of the time I agree but IMDB rated the movie an ok 3.8 over 5 and IMDB ratings are done by regular filmgoers like you and I, not critics who get paid to write about movies .

A few months ago I was looking for new books to read and was going through my favourite site for epubs and under the “Most Downloaded” tab, the first 20+ books were all in the “Fifty Shades” category, with characters ranging from machines and robots to humans to demi-humans to vampires to demons, to half demons and centaurs and werewolves and satyrs and succubi and incubi; the list is disturbingly imaginative.
Most of these books, I must say are sad excuses of inept writing. Oh, lest I forget, there were a few gay novels thrown in between.


This is just me but why does the bad kind of weird seem to resonate with SO many people? The majority? I can understand role play between partners. You know what I’m talking about, don’t act prude right now. Your lady in a cheerleader costume with pom poms turns you the heck on. You get the idea.
But if my wife attempts to tie me up in the bed when we’re about to have some fun, it’s going down. Real talk. Hell is going to break loose. I’m going to freak the hell out. I’m screaming my lungs away and crying foul murder. It’s the Nigerian child in me. The sight of a cane or belt invokes painful memories and triggers a swift flight response.


I’ve googled BDSM images in the course of research for this article and I have been scarred I tell you. The things we do to each other to derive pleasure are shocking to say the least.
This reminds me of the rape debate I came across on Facebook and twitter a few weeks ago and  followed a bit. While I’m firmly against rape as any sane person should, movies and books like these confuse the issue. One way or the other (especially with the large amount of female fans) these media consciously and subconsciously put violence against women in a “grey” area (pun intended). After all Anastasia seemed to love it, so….you fill in the blanks.

If there’s any of my readers that can explain the appeal of pain in sex, I’m open to discourse. Hit me up on twitter. Because I can’t. I don’t understand how tying me up and spanking me blue black will give me a turn on; or prodding and poking, pinching and clamping me will switch on any pleasure light bulbs in me. Or me doing any of that to you will spice things up.

Someone will say each to his own and it’s a matter of personal preference. Of course, but I think it speaks to something deeply wrong in the psyche for these things to appeal to anybody.


The same way I think the writers of the “Saw” film franchise need to have their heads checked and be summarily locked up.


And if the box office performances of these movies are anything to go by, then the world is filled with a LOT of NORMAL looking but freakishly twisted people.


Fifty Shades in my opinion is an excuse to indulge in sexual violence. And for once I agree with the feminists that it is demeaning. Ironically like I mentioned earlier the bulk of the viewers are women!
This is me bringing in my Christian background here, but when Adam “knew” Eve I’m not so sure there were ropes and gags and whips and clamps involved.

I don’t know if “Fifty Shades” is showing in Nigerian cinemas. I doubt it though, the censor board and all that. Thank God for small mercies. But I know y’all will download the movie as soon as it hits the internet. And watch it guiltily but gleefully.

Ariel Ugorji

You know what to do. It’s @arielugorji

images courtesy of Google images

posted by Ariel Ugorji


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