Life & The Penis

I know……..I KNOW!!!  The title right?! Give me a few paragraphs; I’ll get around to it.

Since I joined twitter in 2012 I have to admit, my life has not remained the same. Admittedly I don’t tweet much (I tend to tweet in bursts) and my time line is consciously constructed in such a way that it’s more or less a newsfeed; but, hardly a day goes by when I don’t see something either insanely funny, shockingly stupid, deep or just remarkable on my timeline.

Nigerians are a morbidly funny lot. You wouldn’t know things are hard in the country with the hilarious things they tweet, it’s a gift really. We really are the happiest people on earth. If you want to have an idea of what I’m talking about, are on twitter and you’re in the mood to be entertained, visit the timeline of @subdeliveryman (just so we’re clear, this isn’t an endorsement or advert or anything like that), his timeline leaves me in stitches every day. Sometimes I get home at night exhausted and after everything I just lay on the bed scrolling through and relieving stress.

So, today’s topic; as you’ve probably guessed is tweet-inspired. It’s actually an old tweet that I screen-grabbed and forgot about until I was going through my phone recently and came across it again;

@TheMeninism tweeted: “Life is like a penis, very simple, very relaxed and just hanging freely. It’s women who make it hard”Screen_20141117_004936

Profound wisdom don’t you think? I couldn’t stop laughing. In fact I’m laughing right now. I imagine this guy must have given expression to some deep frustration he was experiencing.  Or he was probably really high, these are the kinds of nuggets of wisdom that drop from the hazy throne of kush (or weed for those who don’t know what kush is)

Reminds me of another tweet by @GuyHectorManuel: “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one you’ll become a philosopher”Screen_20150831_204031

Brother Solomon would know, after engaging a thousand of them he promptly went on to write Ecclesiastes where “vanity is vanity, all is vanity” and the book of Proverbs full of warnings to us to run away from strange women.

My focus though is on the first tweet, while it looks to employ a simplistic – and well a little bit chauvinistic – view of things, I sat down to think about it and well, I could see his point.

I love women; I think they are amazing creatures, seriously. Sometimes I wonder what would have been if the Creator had fashioned them the same way he made Adam, because whatever makes them so….unique was made out of just one rib. They are the human male’s own God-given rubix cube to solve; and we’ve been trying (Lord knows we have) since Eden.

They remind me faintly of the hippogriff in Harry Potter; majestic, dangerous and a bit of a puzzle to get to know, but once you know one ( to the extent that you can), it’s quite the experience (I’m talking about the hippogriff of course).2502134-griffin

Ignoring the sexual innuendo of that tweet, it’s quite easy to see the layers of that statement. My take on this is that essentially, it isn’t women per se who make life hard; it’s more along the lines of what about them that change everything in a man’s life. A fiercely independent bachelor entering in a relationship would term this change as hard. You know how you could go weeks and not holler at your boy and when you eventually do, y’all start from where you stopped weeks ago like it was yesterday? On the average you can’t try that with most girlfriends; you go 3 days without calling her? Are you nuts?! Even if she doesn’t say anything about it…immediately….you’ll get around to it later (it’s in your best interest though that she talks about it immediately). Or when you could just get up on a whim and take a trip or splurge on something you really liked when you were single, you can’t anymore because now you’re accountable to someone. Or yesterday, you and your girl were “Netflix & chilling” and between 10 pm and this morning she’s gone from 0-100 like that. And you’re wondering what the hell happened….and she’s expecting you to figure it out…of course.

Apart from being delightfully unpredictable, women on the whole are catalysts of responsibility, and responsibility is hard. The key thing here is whether this….hardship… good hardship or bad hardship.  A good girl in your life will change you and if you’re the kind of guy who is a buck set in his ways (as guys generally are) it would be the good kind of hard. The kind of hard that makes you a better man. On the other hand, if you managed to go fishing and snagged a karishika, well……then your hard will be all kinds of bad and could very well kill you.  Again, brother Solomon would know.

It’s also safe to mention that as not all penile erections are as a result of a woman, pretty much the same way, sometimes life can be shit in a basket and no woman had anything to do with it.

Ariel Ugorji


Ok, before you close the page, over the last few days I’ve been conducting some research into the “flesh business” on social media. Let’s just say like Alice, I followed the white rabbit’s tail down some very uncomfortable trails. Anyway, I’m giving you guys the chance to choose if you want to see the results of my adventure in my next post. The poll is below. You let me know


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