Stories from a G Boy {Conclusion}


A girl was seeing a wealthy guy (stop me if you’ve heard this one before). He gave her a lot of money regularly and she flexed with her friends. She also travelled a lot on shopping sprees in Dubai (seriously, stop me if you’ve heard this one before). Note that she lived with said rich man in his house. So this particular trip while the girl is away, her best friend comes visiting and the man tells her that her friend is on one of her shopping sprees abroad. They get to talking and the man suggests that they both – in the words of P Square and Don Jazzy – collabo. The girl refuses, because well, this is her friend’s boyfriend. Said boyfriend then drops half a million on the table and asks the girl to consider his offer. Whether she considers the offer or not isn’t told in the story; but you see in that house, there’s a room (really? You haven’t heard this story before? Or seen it in a movie?) And that room, nobody enters. At least that’s what her friend (who is in Dubai) told her.

Now the girl is curious so she enters the room, and sees her friend – who is supposed to be traipsing the boutiques of Dubai – on her knees with a calabash on her head, dead. Well, not dead dead. Her body isn’t rotting because it’s being kept alive by whatever “process” the man has put her through, but she isn’t there anymore, so for all intents and purposes she’s dead.

Ok so that wasn’t a movie, I very rarely watch Nigerian or Yoruba movies so I didn’t get that from there, that was told me by my g boy neighbor who if you read the first part of this gist in the previous post has been a delightful source of spine tingling information. If you’re as curious as I was about the calabash on the girl’s head, that’s where the rich guy collects his money every day as generated by the dead kneeling girl. Fascinating stuff.

He told me of a new one making the rounds now in Lagos and I need my female readers to take note. Now the g boy is required to use a girl he is genuinely in love with, who also loves him as equally in return. In fact things must be so good that the girl’s parents have already met him, not necessarily “introduction” but they know this is the guy that they’re daughter is in love with. Then, alfa will give the boy a ring which he will wear on his private part and sleep with the girl with. It’s also important to note that the girl must get pregnant. All said and done, the girl will fall sick, and the boy must nurse her through the entire sickness. Then she will die, along with the baby. Then the boy will carry alfa to where the girl has been buried so that baba can finish the process. It’s a one-time thing, said g boy has hammered for life. The hairs on the back of my head rose in terror.

Remember all those baby making factories that made the news? Well most of those babies were used for gory rituals to upgrade the strength of these boys’ cons. Apparently some of them need to bathe in the blood of new born babies every year to renew the thing (I warned you it will get nasty didn’t I?), others bathe with soap made from body parts every morning. For some all it requires is to swallow a small tortoise or a live snake. Some trade in their reproductive abilities, others carry sores that are unhealable.

The most hilarious ones he told me of was how some of these alfas will scatter rice or maize on the ground and bring a chicken to eat from them. The amount of grains of rice or maize the chicken picked will be the length of years of life the fellow will have to enjoy his stupendous wealth. Imagine the length of your life being decided by the appetite of a chicken. Jesus Christ! The other was about some boys who had to be turned into animals and let loose in the bush for 7 days while the alfa went about putting together the other parts of the charm, after which he would convert them back into human form so they can enjoy their riches. As luck will have it, alfa was run over by a car and died without completing the juju. And as you can imagine, it being a custom made juju, no other alfa could finish the job. The animals (talking animals may I add) had to be killed.

One of his friends runs a mobile shop where people buy and register their sim cards. According to him, a girl walked in carrying a particular stench with her, they weren’t sure were the smell was coming from until the girl went out (apparently to spray some perfume) and returned again with the stench on her. According to him she smelled like a dead animal. When she wanted to pay, she had to wade through a variety of perfume bottles in her bag to extract the money. He told me point blank that he knows that she had definitely been “used”, as far as he was concerned she was a living corpse. Was he right? I don’t know, I’m inclined to believe him though, he had the sense for these things and that wasn’t the first time I was hearing a story like that.

Even the lady in the room pitched in and told of one her boyfriend’s friends who’s a yahoo boy that pointed out a girl to her that he had “used”. According to him “there was nothing left inside the girl”.

He went on to tell me of boys who would pick up girls, sleep with them and pay them huge amounts of money for their underwear. The undies went to alfas who did what they do best.

Whenever a new iPhone drops, jokes about how many girls will spread their legs to get the newest models make the rounds. The truth is the price they pay is a hell of a lot higher. I’m not generalizing here, but it was dismaying to hear just how easy it was to get girls to use when the need arose. All that stuff about new born babies, and monsters in the night and shit-eating is actually in the minority. The bulk of the fodder feeding the money making machine here was girls. As long as money was waved around, there were always girls available to use. I have a younger sister and it hurt me to my bones to hear all these stories.

Let me conclude by saying this, he said for the most part, people who did stuff like these where either dejectedly desperate or had hardened their hearts to the point where they didn’t care whatever they did as long as they made the money. And when they did, most of them wished they could return to the way things were (I imagine most of them are guys who get spiritual beatings every night). For him, these were cautionary tales, stories of people he knew that kept him on the straight path (of basic “yahoo”).

Tales by moonlight right? Each to his own, my own is to tell them. Like I said in the last post, these stories scared me and made me rethink a lot of things. You’ll notice I focused on the metaphysical part of this yahoo business in both posts, that was by design, I know I come off here most of the time as analytical and logical (and I like to think I am) but I’m also spiritual person and while I know not everyone is like me, it does pay to know and be a lot more cautious.

Can I add that I have also developed a new sense of fear for girls who knowingly and willingly date these guys. They have brass coated titanium balls, girls like that are capable of a lot of scary shit.

I leave you with a warning the Bible has for men and women like these:

Job 21:13: They spend their days in wealth, and in a moment go down to the grave.



Ariel Ugorji




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