What Your Football Club Says About You

I’m about to piss some people off. There, I warned you from the start. This is an idea that has been percolating for a while and I think I’m finally at the point where I can take a stab at it.

So, guys…..and the minority of ladies out there who watch football (because they actually like it not because their boyfriends support certain clubs or because Cristiano Ronaldo is bae) what does your club say about you? How does the club you support reflect in how you act the way you do?

I’m proposing a theory that fans of certain clubs can be easily identified by behavior.  Now this is in no way scientific, just a personal deduction made from years of studying football fans over hundreds of hours at different viewing centers under a wide variation of circumstances. Ok, another condition to this study is that I only focused on the so-called big clubs that have either being in prominence or rose to prominence in the last 10 years. Focus will be largely on the English premier league, then pickings from the La Liga and the German Bundesliga.

Ok so here goes;

Manchester United:manchester_united_fc_crest-svg

Ok before I start with United, let me in the spirit of full disclosure, admit that I’m a Liverpool and my analysis may be colored by my red bias. I really REALLY detest that club, I can’t explain it. It’s a genetic something, you love Liverpool you hate United, you love United you hate Liverpool; no middle ground.

United fans are proud fellows. Can’t blame them really, they’ve been pampered by years of success. It makes adjusting to setbacks or to put it more bluntly, Failure, especially in the recent years very difficult. There’re a lot of similarities between United fans and Real Madrid fans actually, the difference being that well, Madrid is still a club to be reckoned with albeit in the Champions league and United right now is just shit (sorry, my bias filtered through)

It also makes them a very touchy and sensitive set of fans, they can dish out the banter at fans of rival clubs but when they lose (and they’ve been doing that so delightfully well this season) they get all butt-hurt when the banter is served in their direction, blocking people up and down on twitter. That said, some of my best friends are United fans and I love them.

Chelsea:1024px-chelsea_fc-svg

Chelsea fans are loud, and not in a good way. If you’re lousy, rowdy, you settle your arguments by blowing your fuse (a very short fuse I might add) and you watch football, chances are you’re a Chelsea fan. Well, not all of them are, Tunji and Mayowa come to mind but these two guys are the exception to the rule in my experience. It’s no coincidence that a lot of their fans are okada riders, bus conductors and keke riders. Recent success has given them a sense of self entitlement and it shows in the way they behave, expecting to roll over anybody they meet and expecting such people to roll over for them.

They’re also quite impatient, a Chelsea fan is the kind of guy that will take you out once and expect you to put out on the first date. If you’re also a Chelsea fan, it’s also likely you’re the kind of person who will do anything to win, regardless of the cost. The end justifies the means.

Manchester City:manchester_city_fc_badge-svg

The new school. Chelsea 2.0 but more patient and organized. Their fans are entitled fellows too, can’t blame them, with the shitload of money they have and Pep Guardiola at the helm. That said, they are actually very patient people. I don’t know too many City fans but the very few I’ve met expect success but also realize that it won’t just be handed to them or they can throw money at it like the red shite from the other half of Manchester. If you’re the kind of guy or girl who refuses to accept basicness but doesn’t expect it immediately and are willing to work and wait for it, chances are you’ll make a good city fan.

Arsenal:arsenal_fc-svg

One of the most interesting set of people out there. They are traditionally very different from the aforementioned set of fans. If you’re an Arsenal fan, chances are you’re a very patient – in fact, longsuffering – guy or girl, you’re the kind of person who appreciates the little things (all that focus on football statistics that are irrelevant in the larger scheme of things), you have a certain way of doing things, you’re eternally optimistic and you appreciate the finer things of life. I’m pretty sure they make good relationship partners because of their bullet proof loyalty and abilities to forgive and tolerate.

They are the Katanas to Chelsea’s Claymores. Those are sword references, one was used by samurais, while the other was used by Celtic and Scottish barbarian warriors. I’ll leave you to figure out which is which. Or better yet, they are the ninjas or samurais to Chelsea’s Vikings. That should make things clearer.

Liverpool:live_5396

My wonderful wonderful club. As much as arsenal fans might protest, we do share some similarities. We’ve lived largely on past glory, we have a set way of doing things and our fans are very emotional.

If you’re loyal, a very patient person with a long ass memory who loves to recall the good old days, eternally optimistic even in the face of daunting odds, used to heartbreak (consistent heartbreak) and near misses, used to having to fight for everything and don’t give up easy and you have a very tough skin (and preferably tougher pericardium); you’ll make a very good Liverpool fan.

Barcelona:ybhimxw

Very similar to Arsenal fans. The difference is that their patience isn’t as a result of the never attainable mirage of success, it’s more of a supreme confidence in the eventual arrival of said success. Barca fans are supremely entitled individuals, very very cocky with an absolute belief in their own way of doing things.

The only annoying thing about some of them is this “the world is against us” siege mentality they adopt on the rare occasions that they lose, like it couldn’t have been their fault; no, circumstances conspired against them.

Real Madrid:real-madrid-logo-wallpaper-hd-620x388

A lot of similarity to Manchester United fans and they also share some traits from the blue plastics (Chelsea fans, if you didn’t get the reference). Probably more entitled than Barca fans (and that’s saying a lot), they expect the best, every time, regardless of the prevailing conditions and they expect it yesterday; and whatever they have (as often as it’s the best around) it’s never good enough for them so they’re always eyeing the crown jewels of others. Fellas if your boy is a Madrid fan and your babe is a ten (and even though she loves you, in your heart of hearts you can’t figure out why) watch him, ensure he isn’t rubbernecking.

Bayern Munich:logo_fc_bayern_munchen-svg

The Madrid of Germany. Almost everything I said about Madrid fans apply here.

Borussia Dortmund:borussia-dortmund2-old-logo

If you’re a Liverpool or an Arsenal fan, chances are you’d like Borussia Dortmund. There isn’t much of a difference.

I’d have loved to throw in Juventus, Inter Milan and Ac Milan into the mix but most people I’ve met, support them as secondary clubs.

This post was written tongue-in-cheek even though I think parts of it are true, so if you’re taking the things I said personal then that’s your business (and I’m pretty sure we’ll find out you’re a red shite fan).

It’s all bants fam.

Cheers

Ariel Ugorji

@arielugorji

 

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